Instability

What the fuck HAPPENED to me?
I used to have it all.
I used to be a "good girl."
I used to be happy.
....What went wrong??

I'll tell you what did...

A BOY.

yes, i said it.
A BOY.

He turned my frowns upside down,
he gave me butterflies
he kept me safe
he kept me warm
he made me laugh, ALWAYS
he wrote me letters
he put my name in his hat
he walked me to class
he waited for me
he visited me
he cared about me
he did anything and everything for me
he was the peanut to my butter
he was mine and i was his
and most importantly, he LOVED me.

that of course was not an easy task...

I was picky
I was defensive
I got annoyed easily
I was a perfectionist
I was STUBBORN
I never listened
I was clumsy
I was naive
I was stupid
I was conceited
I was self-absorbed
I was pessimistic
I was independent
I was MEAN
I was judgmental
I was a mixture of Blair Waldorf and Regina George,
all in one little package.
I was in my own little world.

But...

I was also smart
I was pretty
I was polite, sometimes too polite
I was thoughtful

I cared about everyone in my life

And after him...

I was passive
I was carefree
I was DEPENDENT, sometimes overly dependent.
I was in love.

Now?

I'm a wreck.

I care too much, it hurts
I cry too much
I think too much
I worry too much
I miss too much
I want too much
I regret too much
I love too much
I hurt myself too much
I hate myself too much
I blame myself too much
I became too much to handle...for myself

How can one boy change EVERYTHING??

It KILLS me when my friends say, "What happened to you? You used to be so happy."

Now there's nothing left...
that's what it feels like.

I've never hated life so much in my young life.

But the thing I can't truly understand is, WHY??

Why did I take him back
...after he cheated on me 5 times
...after he lied to my face
...after he talked to me like trash
...after he yelled at me
...after he cursed at me
...after he told me i wasn't worth it
...after he broke my heart in hundreds of little pieces.

Now I finally get it.
I get why I did that.
I get why I risked everything to be with him
I get why I changed.

I did it because he loved me.
and I loved him.
And love does something to a person that I can't explain.

It's complicated
it's stressful
it's sad
it's problematic
it's depressing
it never has a happily ever after
but it's BEAUTIFUL.

Just having someone there...
someone who loves you...

Its beautiful.

Via: How My Heart Behaves: Poet and Rhyme