- image issues (well what girl doesn't?)
- abandonment (every guy I develop feelings for leaves in the worst way possible)
- self-infliction (rarely. only when going through something tough)
Well that's about it. Unless having acrophobia (fear of heights) counts, but I doubt it.
Anyways, I never feel good enough. Ever.
My mother spent 5 minutes of her time calling me ugly during an episode of stress since my dad was departing for the Philippines the next day. That was definitely not pleasant. I spent that night crying, wishing that I could erase my face and start over into something beautiful and worth looking at.
I mean, I'm not ugly.
Almost everyone I know thinks I'm aesthetically-pleasing to the eye (not to be conceited or anything).
But I really am not ugly. But when I look in the mirror, I believe what my mother told me: I'm ugly. You see, people cannot tell me negative things about myself because I genuinely believe them,
and I never forget what they say. Ever.
I may look like a swan, but inside I feel like a crow.
I just never feel good enough for anyone. Like no matter what I do, it will never be enough. It just won't do.
I can't seem to please anyone sometimes.
But that's why I hide behind a mask; a mask made of concealer, foundation, mascara, eyeliner, and eyeshadow.
At least I feel pretty in this mask, and I won't dare take it off. I'm too scared to see what I think I am: ugly.
Not to mention the fact that at 97 llbs, size small & 0, I'm the "fat" one among my stick-thin sister and cousins.
Their ultra-thin frames never gain a pound, and just because mine does I'm chubby, fat, & big. In reality, I'm not.
I'm quite small actually. I'm just not a stick. I'm normal.
But whenever I look in the mirror, I listen to what they have told me even though they never mean it: I'm fat. Its not fair. I feel like the ugly duckling in my family. To me, I will always be second best. My parents seem to love my sister more.
I'm never good enough.
Thus my episodes of self-mutilation. Not with full on blood of course, but enough to scar. I honestly don't know why I do it.
To numb the pain I guess... To distract me from my mind, which brainwashes me into believing all the negative comments people tell me. This is why I think I'm crazy sometimes. But crazy or not, I almost always feel like I'm never good enough. I'm just the ugly, fat, quiet one. But to everyone else, I'm happy, carefree, "badass," pretty, thin, tiny, fun, cute, etc...
It's sad because no one will ever know how I really feel sometimes.
My walls are too high to be broken.
All I have is a mask.
As someone once said, "It's the prettiest girls who have the most issues with themselves."
Anyways, I never feel good enough. Ever.
My mother spent 5 minutes of her time calling me ugly during an episode of stress since my dad was departing for the Philippines the next day. That was definitely not pleasant. I spent that night crying, wishing that I could erase my face and start over into something beautiful and worth looking at.
I mean, I'm not ugly.
Almost everyone I know thinks I'm aesthetically-pleasing to the eye (not to be conceited or anything).
But I really am not ugly. But when I look in the mirror, I believe what my mother told me: I'm ugly. You see, people cannot tell me negative things about myself because I genuinely believe them,
and I never forget what they say. Ever.
I may look like a swan, but inside I feel like a crow.
I just never feel good enough for anyone. Like no matter what I do, it will never be enough. It just won't do.
I can't seem to please anyone sometimes.
But that's why I hide behind a mask; a mask made of concealer, foundation, mascara, eyeliner, and eyeshadow.
At least I feel pretty in this mask, and I won't dare take it off. I'm too scared to see what I think I am: ugly.
Not to mention the fact that at 97 llbs, size small & 0, I'm the "fat" one among my stick-thin sister and cousins.
Their ultra-thin frames never gain a pound, and just because mine does I'm chubby, fat, & big. In reality, I'm not.
I'm quite small actually. I'm just not a stick. I'm normal.
But whenever I look in the mirror, I listen to what they have told me even though they never mean it: I'm fat. Its not fair. I feel like the ugly duckling in my family. To me, I will always be second best. My parents seem to love my sister more.
I'm never good enough.
Thus my episodes of self-mutilation. Not with full on blood of course, but enough to scar. I honestly don't know why I do it.
To numb the pain I guess... To distract me from my mind, which brainwashes me into believing all the negative comments people tell me. This is why I think I'm crazy sometimes. But crazy or not, I almost always feel like I'm never good enough. I'm just the ugly, fat, quiet one. But to everyone else, I'm happy, carefree, "badass," pretty, thin, tiny, fun, cute, etc...
It's sad because no one will ever know how I really feel sometimes.
My walls are too high to be broken.
All I have is a mask.
As someone once said, "It's the prettiest girls who have the most issues with themselves."
![Freedom :]](https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgi_-YAhYF9yfuP6MDSto15nNSv7lEmRKNML-LsMa94CZY7KPL4Hpr5WkaDaOI_hBkOURGTJ1UnuiqAVH7Q2BSlQuA7Z-EeDQ172KlN6yyt9jsdT-bHiQnuQ257PmPF5WHDGhSvOKbh2KeP/s150/202.png)
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