Feels

Dear Ellella,

I realized that I never once spoke about boys for once in my last "update" post. Anyways, after reading posts I made during my high school years, I was quite embarrassed. I was so dramatic! My gosh. Now that I look back, I never loved J________. I thought I did because well, that's high school. They call it "puppy love" for a reason: it's not real. But I can't believe I wrote some of the things I wrote about it. I sounded so desperate for him and his love, that it's quite humiliating to think about. But it's okay. I was young. I was naive. I just wanted someone to want me.

And I was mean. The negative posts about my nice boy and wanting to break his heart were so incredibly fucked up and appalling! I guess I was very emotional when I wrote those. But back then, I wrote exactly what I was feeling when I was feeling it, so I guess you could say I was a passionate soul. Anyways, he didn't deserve any of those posts. He made you happy. Sure you would get annoyed with him once in a while, but you made it seem like the whole relationship was awful when it really wasn't. Those little things that drove me insane were exactly what they were: little things. Such minuscule "issues" that shouldn't even have been issues in the first place. Plus, he wasn't the "bad boy" type that I was used to. I was so used to being treated like shit, that when a nice guy actually treated me well, I didn't know how to react to it. So I pushed him away. Its pretty sad just thinking about it. Even though he changed during the summer before senior year, we still clicked somehow whenever we would interact.

I feel like he and I will always share a special connection, even though we dont talk and only run into each other once or twice a year. But when we do, the chemistry is still there. The connection is still strong. And it's lovely. We never truly had closure, and we will always be an unfinished book. But what I never realized when we were together, was that I loved him. I loved him. I loved him. God, I loved him.

I recently found old videos of us on my computer, and we were so good together. We meshed. We could mess around, laugh at each other, and still hold hands afterwards. We would glance at each other in the same moment without saying anything, as if sharing secrets from our hearts. We were always smiling, and now I know that it was because we were perfectly content. We were happy. He made me happy. But I had just came out of a horrible relationship a few months prior, so I couldn't help but compare him to the former sometimes. I guess that's why I couldn't really be with him as I fully wanted to. I just wasn't ready. I was too young and naive to realize that I had something good. And I let it slip away.

But I always find comfort in the fact that "once upon a time, we were." He was my dream boy i guess. And I loved him. And I honestly think a part of him loved me. And I still love him.